I finally did it....I transferred my blog to an actual blog! No more xanga. But I'm keeping this up, because I want to have access to my old entries. This was 3+ years in the making! So from now on I'll be writing on my new blog....please feel free to visit :)

Kelsy's New Blog Spot

So long xanga. You served me well. :) But I'm moving on now.

I'm thinking of transferring my writings to an actual blog...not because blogs are the cool thing now...they are just a lot prettier than xangas...When I have time I'll actually get around to doing that.  time...ha

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Sometimes in life walking in faith feels like death. I so desperately desire the answers to all my "why's"....but I feel the call to walk in peace with no answers within my grasp. One thing I have become quick to learn, God is worthy of my worship regardless of how I feel or what I have. We are to worship not by our feelings but in spite of them. God may never grant me peace, but He does grant me Himself.  I am learning to make that sufficient for me...a worthy struggle and one I do not mind to fight for. It's just so hard.

"Everything else may become blurred, but this relationship with Jesus Christ must never be." ~ Oswald Chambers

My life is such a complete blur. I have no idea what is going on or what to do. I know what I should NOT do. But that is all. I followed God to decisions that shook my faith and my trust in Him. I have no answers and I now have the choice to walk forward with answers out of reach to me. All I know is who God is and who He wants me to be. Not what He wants me to do. I will walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" - Job 13:15

I'm learning to be grateful in this time as well. God has shown me how important it is to be thankful. I can walk in faith...but also in bitterness. I have for so long. But ...God has provided all my needs. What I see as my needs and what He knows are my needs are not always the same. Do I trust that He knows better?... Do I live like I trust that He knows better?

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." - Hebrews 12:28-29

This time has been given to me to teach me how to hunger after God, to trust Him blindly with all boldness, to rely on Him for all my needs.

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Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . .

Maybe you are the kind that doesn't want to say it
I should just let you be
But maybe if I spoke up that would be enough
To give my mind some peace

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So I was in my friends apartment today in between classes watching the Tyra Show--much to his displeasure--when I heard Tyra talking about how adults look at high schoolers and say, "I'm soo glad to not be like that any more...with all the gossip, immaturity, and games" but how often are we as adults much like that? 

I could not stop thinking about that....(who knew a retired model could make my brain work so hard)... I truly believed what she said was right. And it almost was too real in my mind. As we get older we take on the view that if we look old, sound old, dress old....we must be old. If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck then it must be a duck, right?

But....something's not right. If it is then... if I act like a Christian, sound like a Christian, dress like a Christian....I must be quite a Christian, right? But where is the heart in all of this?? I can be 20--and look it--but be a 14 year old at heart...and no one may know it but me. Do you think that maybe we have gotten so good at playing the part of a mature Christian that we completely forget that our heart and our motives--the unseen aspects--are what truly make us? I do believe we are defined by what we do....but you are what your heart speaks. The scary thing about this reality is that many of us are satisfied as long as the world thinks good of us. It's like..."Well, everyone says so many good things about me and everyone believes I'm an amazing godly woman/man, so I must be!" But really...are we? Are we blameless? Can we stand before God and boast as David does in Psalm 18--I have done as the Lord has taught, I am righteous, my heart is faultless?

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. - Psalm 51:16-17

God doesn't want or need our sacrifice--our actions, our service. He wants our hearts! Our actions and words are NOTHING if our heart is contradicting. Just like it says in James 2, our faith without deeds is dead....so deeds without faith must be death itself. Who are we here to serve? God or man? It's our choice, I believe, but the result will determine your joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment.  Do we believe God can give us abundant life? Or do we rely on our actions to make us happy? When we live and die people can say so many great things about us....but in the end it is God whom we are standing before. What will He have to say of us?

 The LORD detests men of perverse heart but he delights in those whose ways are blameless. - Prov 11:20

Better a poor man whose walk is blameless than a rich man whose ways are perverse. - Prov 28:6   (translation: i would rather have nothing and follow God, then have every thing i want and be following my own path of self righteousness) 

"The great danger is not that we will renounce our faith, but settle for a mediocre version of it." John Ortberg